Lol I can't be bother to go back and read everything I've ever written on here but at least I'm alive.
I'm panicking again. Like when I was in SS3 and had just realised I had three months until I was writing my final exams and I was farrrrr from ready. I panicked then and I'm panicking now, 4 years later. The difference being that back then, when i had individual subjects, I simply read to understand what the fuck it was about. That's it. I obviously wanted to pass my exams and get my mum off my back but I honestly just wanted to know, so I started from the utmost beginning and worked my way through. Low and behold I did well at secondary school.
Fast forward to my current 'predicament' - Barely passed 2nd year of Chemical Engineering and I am shaking. I have cried my tears and ignored my mum's sharp words so this panic is not from a place of pain. It's from fear. I am trying to convince myself that I can do it. That it's even possible. That i can
About to enter third year and I can't even solve first year mass and energy balances. My highest grade so far has been from the year that didn't count (brilliant :)) and I am about to step into new territory that further builds on said fundamentals. It's not like i failed but I understand. I failed AND I'm still unable to grasp the 'fundamentals'. I know I am smart. I proved that to myself in secondary and A Levels. I also know that regarding this past year I actually tried. I can list some health issues that I was dealing with during this but I know my mother will only dismiss and belittle them so I won't bother listing here.
I've instinctively put so much pressure on myself because I have my mum running on hot/cold in my ear, going from growling and anger to softness in the span of days. I have the growing realisation that my father isn't who he said he is and my mum and the kids need to escape ASAP - and I can't even be allowed to process that- suffocating me.
I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it. I know even if i get hospitalised over cutting or mental breakdown my mother won't give a flying fuck so long as I get the class of degree she want. I really fear that. Like she legit won't care because she's so focused on the 'bigger picture' and she spiritual battle she's forever hinting at - but never quite revealing.
Couple all this shit with the fact that I actually don't know what I want to do with my life. Back when i was 16-18 people understood when I said I don't know, but now that I am about to be 20 most older opinions turn towards my degree ('like you don't know what to do? It's fine you have a good degree it doesn't matter if you don't like it, just follow this path of a masters and then magically getting a job in a field you might even despise! It sounds good enough right? :))
I am overwhelmed.
I hate being used by my mother as a weapon against my father in hopes to hurt him ( she'll still send me to get something she wants from him)
I hate how I look
I hate my sexuality ( because I acc don't hate it and it complicates things)
I hate being so emotional
I hate my mother assuming she knows all about me
I hate feelings like because I am about to turn 20 I need to have my life figured out and mature so fast
I hate been made to feel guilty about my hobbies except when it's convenient for them
I hate being me.
