Memories turn into Memoirs

Looking back at all I've written. All that I have gone through. All that I've overcome. I'm amazed but yet heartbroken. I was way too young to have to go through these things. I grew up in a society where problems like mine were mocked and ridiculed. I taught myself to bottle up all my feelings and continue with my life because that was the only way i knew how to survive. Looking back, I'm not quite sure that was for the best. 

My eyes sting with unshed tears. My soul protests in agony. My heart no longer wishes to beat and yet a smile is forever is forever etched on my face. I am cursed for no one will know my true pain.

20th April 2016

My heart aches.




I am nearing the end of my first year in A-LEVELS and so far it has been stressful. I am always tired. Tired of life. Tired of being happy. Tired of existing. I just wish for a swift and painless death, but at the same time plan ahead for the next day.

I'm so confused.

My 'will' to live has practically evaporated and all that I'm left with is the tiny puddle of a voice that's meekly cheering me on. I'm tired of my weight. I'm tired of my body. I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of the fact that no matter how much I have hope in a relationship I always end up being disappointed.

With Victor dealing with his own problems, I've never felt so alone in my life, and I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes in my head I just wish a therapist would appear from nowhere, diagnose me with what i already know so that people around me can finally realize how dead I am inside.