Why am I Awake?

Hello there.

I am currently writing this after being awake since 6pm yesterday (please no comment) so forgive the delirious rambling that will proceed this:



I have encountered many bumps in the road that if my life. I have gained even more weight almost reaching the daunting 90 kg. I can feel my childhood insecurities roaring back to the surface and now I can barely look in the mirror without a deep feeling of contempt.

It doesn't really help matters that I have been on my period non-stop since April, this is the longest I've ever gone and that fact alone terrifies me. This issue with my ovaries has been a grave problem for the past 4 to almost 5 years, but the longest I've gone on my period was 2 months now its almost 5.  I keep trying to brush it off, to get on with my daily life: school, friends, hobbies etc but the sheer reality that I may not be able to have kids suffocates me. Growing up and having a large family is not only the norm it's mandatory in my culture - especially as a female- but when I was younger I only wanted 2 kids ( cause I wanted them to be very close to make up for the major age differences between my siblings and I) and I took everything for granted believing that when i was ready all will go well. It's safe to say my life took a different turn. Ever since my problem started I've started to notice how wonderful children are: their smile, their simple yet deeply ingrained innocence, how much of a joy they are and how much I wanted to positively impact a child's life. At first I thought of adoption, but there's the possibility that the children will reject me as their mother and seek out their biological one, there's also the issue that no man in my culture would marry me just to raise another man's baby ( I'm guessing it's a form of expressing manhood by displaying the number of sons raised - daughters don't count but I digress).

I've always had the image of a perfect woman ingrained in my conscience ever since I could remember, and despite the fact that I have grown mentally mature and have educated myself on a feminists' view of beauty the image still hasn't changed. I still have my dark skin that I love, still the same height and face it's just my weight that has drastically changed. I'm suddenly 4 dress sizes down, a clear face, big boobs and I simply ooze confidence. As I became more aware I tried to change my image to fit my current body type but as soon as I do the scenario loses its appeal and it feels forced compared to its glossy daze feeling. This image didn't really help as I sunk into denial about my weight.

I used to believe that I don't stray from a particular, narrow weight range, that I was somehow eternally stagnant and that no matter the matter of Chinese and fried chicken I devoured I would somehow never gain the weight. How stupid was I? I am extremely uncomfortable with my body and I did not take gaining weight well to say the least, so I hid in my little bubble of denial and pretended all was okay. That bubble popped as soon as I found out what I really weighed.

I was at the tailors in Nigeria cause I had to adjust my dresses for my step-sister's traditional wedding. My mother had earlier -not so subtly- commented that I've gained more weight than she thought so I just knew the trip wasn't going to be pleasant, and yet my bubble hadn't yet burst. It was when I wore attempted to wear my clothes and it was a struggle to get them past my knees. I was humiliated, ashamed and disgusted at how much weight I had gained. I  basically had to have the dress remade from scratch because the difference in my old and current size was astronomical. I felt so bad that the tailors had to so much work to do in a short amount of time, and my mother's not so quiet whispers about how much weight I had gained and 'what she had done to deserve this' 'she warned me about this' drove me to the brink of tears. I struggled to keep my tears at bay . Once locked in the dressing room for the umpteenth time I allowed myself a short moment of peace and let the few tears roll down. Unfortunately that was the time my mother summons me. Once  the tailor saw me and she apologise for no reason and that's how you my mother saw me and crudely asked'Why are you crying?

You need to understand that my mother was actually unusually understanding and calm about my situation despite on previous occasions she exploded with anger due to the numerous doctor's appointments I had been to. She didn't snap at me for crying, or comment on how it was my fault I had gained weight. She was silent and kept smiling as if nothing happened, and I deeply appreciated that.


I have now set out on losing weight through rigorous dieting- seeing as my period flow increases as I exercise. I have only been eating once a day ( I know its not healthy but whatever) ever since I got back from Nigeria. I hope I'll have enough self control to maintain this commitment.

Wish me luck.