09/12/2015

Currently enduring the pain that is A LEVELS.

i probably didnt tell you guys but i started a levels in September and I aimed High. I slacked off a lot in high school and i dont want a repeat of that here, so I said to myself from the get go 'Bruh, if you want enough money to buy million dollar mansions for your adopted kids' - cause i had given up hope on actually having kids of my own at this point- 'you better get the grades.

So far so good, things have been going well. I'm really stressed with everything. Juggling minimal sleep, studying for tests and homeworks, making notes... I'm really really stressed with everything. If you add the fact that I've now been sentenced to a lifetime of misery, I am just ..... peachy.

For the mostly confused people by a lifetime of misery i mean I have no other option in life than to become a doctor. Please keep in mind i fucking hate all sciences - especially physics- I'm more of a creative person ( even though i fail at that as well) i have to study medicine because i have no other option.

The things i enjoy doing - writing, drawing etc. I cant mold them into a career so I've surrendered myself to my fate - a lifetime of dreading waking up in the morning.

I am also currently fucking tired, and i just found out the guy I will compare my future husband to has a little......


How many times do I have to cry in a day till God realizes he should stop throwing shit my way.

Greetings From The Other Side

I want to end it all.

I don't know if I'e told you this but as of late, my scenarios have taken a turn for the worse. before i would just have random flashes of me dying a horrible death or suffering from a terminal illness, and those were simply because i crave attention. I want people to cry over me. To wish that they were nicer to me. To regret not noticing the signs. I wish my dear to actually have an impact on the people i hold dear.

But  now instead of envisioning my heroic death, I see something worse. Something worse.

It's not only that i think of myself dying -that's normal- it's how peaceful i feel when i see myself dying that bothers me.

It comes that the most random of times. Whenever I'm using the bathroom, i envision myself filling the tub, removing all my clothes and just sliding under the water. I calmly inhale the water and even though i know my lungs are protesting i make no effort to come up. I just lie there, underwater, inhaling deeper and deeper until i finally drown.

I have caught myself thinking of other creative ways of hurting myself : cigarette burns are my current favourite. I just imagine how it would feel. How it would burn and hurt and throb and how the tightening in my chest would be more bearable.

I no longer favour death my jumping in front of a moving truck to save another nor does the idea of someone weeping over me in the hospital. I just want to shoot myself in the head. I just want to slice open my arteries so deep I lose conciousness in 30 seconds and be dead in a minute. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I want to die a painless death - not because I don't want the pain, but because I'm scared the pin will remind me that i want to live.

I just want everything to end.

Greeting From The Caribbean

This is  long overdue.

Annyeonghaseyo.


I am currently in Cozumel,Mexico , day 5 of a 7 day Royal Caribbean trip. It ha been quite the experience so far.

We started off in Haiti. Unfortunately we couldn't go into actual Haiti for security reasons so Royal Caribbean built a fake port with all the sight-seeing attraction. I think my brother and I went zip-lining across the ocean. It was really fun and totally worth the cost.

Next stop was in Jamaica. My mother, brother and I went on a Reggae Hill Tour which basically took us around Jamaica itself -I know what you're all thinking  'Why didn't you go to Bob Marley's House?' well we tried but you have to be over 18 AND provide id..... so I couldn't go. We ate alot of Jamaican specialities, and I discovered I love Jerk Chicken.

Final stop - which was today- was Mexico.

I'm tired of writing.....


Goodbye







I miss Michael, but he has forgotten that I exist so I will try to move on... wish me luck.

19/07/15

Hello.

It's been a while. Just going to breeze through the past 7 months.

The anxiety I was feeling earlier this year died down a little once I got into reading. I would pick a subject randomly and just carry all my textbooks to my mother's room and sit at her table and study for like 3 hours everyday. As I kept at it, it turned out that I like Chemistry, haha.

The next few weeks flew past quickly. For some people their WAEC started in May but i was fortunate enough to start in April. I think I started with Math or English, one godforsaken subject like that. I remember being scared for all my exams but for Math in particular. I just trusted in God and faced my exams.

Oh, I forgot.

I had practicals before my actual exams started. I was fearing every one of them. Physics practical was actually enjoyable, I was so happy about that one because I hate Physics with every burning passion of my soul. Chemistry practical actually sweetened my soul, I was just doing a little happy dance as I went. Biology wasn't the best which is ironic since I love Biology the most of the 3.

Long story short, everything just blew past rather quickly. Next thing I know, my IGCSE have rolled by and those too are gone rather quickly, and the next thing I know I've graduated.

I've so much time now and I have no clue what to do. I've continued my Korean and German classes online and I have continued drawing and writing.




When I survey my life, I think I've become a better person. My mindset has been changing these past  7 months. I am more aware of the struggles my people face -both my race and my gender. I'm more aware of the economic, social and physical injustice going on around me and how I've been manipulated to believe it was normal. I'm striving to completely change my life. I wish to not only understand my beliefs more but to implement them in my life.

 I also wish to become closer to God, I've come to realize how much I love him and how much I depend on him and how greatly His opinions affects the decisions I make about myself. I always envy Muslims because they're so determined in their pursuit of their religion and how the opinion of the world doesn't change how they act, dress or talk. They remain faithful to Allah always, and I'm so jealous of that.

I'm quite weak in that area. Whenever I'm in public and I even when I'm surrounded by fellow Christians it feels very awkward talking about God or just preaching in general. And that's very wrong.

I pray to God to just give me strength