I don't know if I'e told you this but as of late, my scenarios have taken a turn for the worse. before i would just have random flashes of me dying a horrible death or suffering from a terminal illness, and those were simply because i crave attention. I want people to cry over me. To wish that they were nicer to me. To regret not noticing the signs. I wish my dear to actually have an impact on the people i hold dear.
But now instead of envisioning my heroic death, I see something worse. Something worse.
It's not only that i think of myself dying -that's normal- it's how peaceful i feel when i see myself dying that bothers me.
It comes that the most random of times. Whenever I'm using the bathroom, i envision myself filling the tub, removing all my clothes and just sliding under the water. I calmly inhale the water and even though i know my lungs are protesting i make no effort to come up. I just lie there, underwater, inhaling deeper and deeper until i finally drown.
I have caught myself thinking of other creative ways of hurting myself : cigarette burns are my current favourite. I just imagine how it would feel. How it would burn and hurt and throb and how the tightening in my chest would be more bearable.
I no longer favour death my jumping in front of a moving truck to save another nor does the idea of someone weeping over me in the hospital. I just want to shoot myself in the head. I just want to slice open my arteries so deep I lose conciousness in 30 seconds and be dead in a minute. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I want to die a painless death - not because I don't want the pain, but because I'm scared the pin will remind me that i want to live.
I just want everything to end.
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