Annyeonghaseyo

Hey, hope you guys are feeling better.
if you were ever feeling bad

Well i just wanted to inform you guys that my exam start today and i won't be done until next week Thursday so i might not appear on here.

Spiral into Darkness

Hello Everyone.
Sorry i have been for some days now. Was tired

Lately, i have become more sad. Okay, i am usually sad but before whenever i was in public, pretending to happy was quite easy and at times i even believed that i was genuinely happy but lately i don't even have the strength anymore.
I don't want to talk to people because i am jealous of their happiness, i don't want to talk about my problems because when i say them out loud they sound so petty and insignificant, I can't  kill myself because not only have  i have been trying to reconcile with God so killing myself makes all my effort to be in vain but when i look at things logically; the people i want to be with but can't because they hate me, trying to be more .... normal but it's too tiring, trying to live up to my society's expectations but soon realizing that they are rubbish aren't really major reasons to kill myself.
 I don't know whether it's because i have dreams to change and influence my society to free them from their ignorance and judgemental mindset or because i know that i am worth a lot more than my problems and i have the power to overcome them but every time i try to bring a blade to my skin, i can't move. I am unable to move the few inches to obtain the relief i have been dreaming about but i just can't do it. As an excuse, i would tell; myself that my brain is stopping my body from hurting itself in an obvious place. I have though of places like just around my knee - because i already have scars from injuries- because it would be easy to cover up if anyone noticed, on my ankle - because no one really notices it at first glance, and i wear socks everyday to school- etc but even if i aim for those places, i still can't do it.

I don't know what to do

14/3/14

Sorry i havent blogged anything for a while.

Basic update

Well so far i am happy, a bit stressed and tired but generally happy. Trying to keep my anger at bay and it seems to be working, i pray everyday for it to continue. Not much really happened, reading Beezlebub - though it finished *sob sob* -, basically reading manga and going on about my normal loner life

Guilt

Today was kind of okay, despite the fact that someone stole my money in school and i was surrounded by the usual ass holes.
Nothing really new to report, tried my best not be angry all the time. Kind of succeeded in that area. Oh yeah, i fucked up the night before

Like at the beginning of this year i made a promise to God as i was reconciling with him that i will turn away from my old sins - in particular, masturbation- in the past 3 months alone i have failed him twice already. The first time was due to imagination gone wild and the second time unfortunately was due to the revival of my sex drive when i reading Thorki fan fictions. Long story short i feel like crap.
I don't want to promise that  won't do something and then later on do the exact came thing and make some bullshit excuse. I don't want to be that person any more. I want to be someone better, someone more trustworthy

Someone with self-control

Jealousy

I hate her.

There is a girl in my school who left in year 10 but came back later in Year 12 and since she came she has stolen my close friend - at the time- away from me and taken up the space i filled in her life.

To me she is ugly. She is short and unattractive, she is not funny and makes corny American jokes whenever she has the chance. Her skinniness is to her disadvantage because she looks sick. Her face is covered with pimples, her nose disgusting and fat and her skin burnt black. I know all these are just outward faults but i can't risk getting to know her in fear of harming her.

And as if the cow couldn't make me feel even more inferior, she excels in all the aspects that i try hard at: writing, drawing, painting, singing.... she does it all and i feel like shit

She pisses me off. Whenever i see her, hear her name or feel her presence i become livid and become unable to socialise with anybody. To make things worse the so called ' close friend' that she stole from me acts as if nothing happened, as if she didn't just dump me for an insect and still tries to talk to me with the arm of her new friend draped on her shoulder.

I hate them both

I know i sound petty and immature and i am sure the insect is a perfectly nice person and i am being a bitch but that doesn't change the fact that she hurt my pride. It doesn't change the fact that someone i don't even acknowledge was able to rip away all i cared for. It doesn't change the fact that i want to cry whenever i see her.

05/03/2014

Happy new month everyone.

Nothing much to report, my life is pretty boring. Well apparently i have to pair up with my ex-boyfriend to supervise a class ( Year 1 Alpha) and i actually don't really care i just want to get the job done but that is kind of hard when your so called 'partner' can't even  make eye contact with you for more than 2 seconds not to talk of working together to get it done. To make matter worse, The head of administration....... i think -truthfully i don't know this woman's post- gave us until Friday to submit our observations of the class individually so basically if he won't cooperate then he is getting into trouble alone.

Truthfully i dislike majority of the people in my year but most of them are in my set. Certain people in my class are sexist, racist, obnoxious and just plain rude. They believe that their definition of the world is the only one that is correct and no matter how many times i try to make them see how ignorant and idiotic they are being they brush me off as 'having anger issues'. If you were surrounded by ignorant people everyday for good 6 years of your life, won't you be angry every fucking day? Won't you want to scream at them till they open their fucking eyes and hopefully change before they grow up to be blind to reality as their parents raised them to be? If you do then you understand my situation.

For example, i am from Nigeria and there is an anti-gay law that kind of recently got passed and ever since then, if a guy is talking privately with another guy then one idiot will now start shouting ' 14 years!' - which is the amount of jail time served by those caught being... well gay- and they do this over every little thing like if a guy compliments another guy, the guys usually say ' Guy stop being such a faggot. Don't touch me!' and walk away. This really pisses me off because so because he complimented you, you are insulting him by calling him a faggot and so fucking what if he is gay? is he trying to hit on you? is he forcing himself on you? No so please shut the fuck up before someone actually beats the fuck out of you dick heads.

For us girls it is not as bad, we are normally close so skin contact ( holding of hands, measuring each other's sizes, talking about private stuff and problems etc)is quite common but i feel bad when some of my friends might be a lesbian but is too scared to admit it or confide in me because she will think i will push her away or report her and that she being gay brings disgrace upon her family or some bullshit like that. I would never do that. Ever

Dear Potential reader,

Happy new month...... kinda