Hello Everyone.
Sorry i have been for some days now. Was tired
Lately, i have become more sad. Okay, i am usually sad but before whenever i was in public, pretending to happy was quite easy and at times i even believed that i was genuinely happy but lately i don't even have the strength anymore.
I don't want to talk to people because i am jealous of their happiness, i don't want to talk about my problems because when i say them out loud they sound so petty and insignificant, I can't kill myself because not only have i have been trying to reconcile with God so killing myself makes all my effort to be in vain but when i look at things logically; the people i want to be with but can't because they hate me, trying to be more .... normal but it's too tiring, trying to live up to my society's expectations but soon realizing that they are rubbish aren't really major reasons to kill myself.
I don't know whether it's because i have dreams to change and influence my society to free them from their ignorance and judgemental mindset or because i know that i am worth a lot more than my problems and i have the power to overcome them but every time i try to bring a blade to my skin, i can't move. I am unable to move the few inches to obtain the relief i have been dreaming about but i just can't do it. As an excuse, i would tell; myself that my brain is stopping my body from hurting itself in an obvious place. I have though of places like just around my knee - because i already have scars from injuries- because it would be easy to cover up if anyone noticed, on my ankle - because no one really notices it at first glance, and i wear socks everyday to school- etc but even if i aim for those places, i still can't do it.
I don't know what to do
No comments:
Post a Comment