22/11/14

Yoo

Well guess what, remember the 'crucial exams' I was talking about earlier I told you guys I got promoted to SS3(year 12)? Yeah well, instead of it taking place during March with my IGCSE, due to elections in my country (Nigeria) it had being moved up al the way to February !!!!!!


If you thought i was screwed before i am even more so now

This exam is extremely important for my future if I want to succeed in life and it's less than 3 months away. For the past few weeks i have been suffering from something I've never experienced before.


Anxiety

The thought of how I'm going to prepare for my exams in the short time i have, keep up with school work and pass, juggle my pathetic excuse of a social like and my fucked up hormones; and - most importantly- try my hardest to not breakdown and cry gives me panic attacks.

I start overreacting. My mind just remains blank as I pace nervously around my room. My heartbeat increases and I feel my blood getting cold, as if I'm about to address my whole school. It becomes hard for me to breath and my vision becomes dizzy. Tears start to pour down my face. The funny thing is halfway through this process I had forgotten why I was having a panic attack.

Really Stressed. Really Scared. Don't know what to do with my life

Hallo everyone.

How was your summer? I hope it wasn't too boring. I bet you guys are wondering why I am posting this when i said i won't be able to due to school. Well, I'm not sure if anyone of you are aware but there is an outbreak of Ebola in West Africa, specifically the part of West Africa where I live so the government of my country (Nigeria) announced the school will not resume until the middle of October. I'm happy about it but I'm not sure if it's a good thing since I'm entering my final year in secondary school and have certain crucial exams I need to take. I guess I should just enjoy it while it lasts.


Just letting you guys know - even though you don't care- , my birthday is in 11 days! Yup, I'll be turning 15 on the 14th of September. Feels so surreal. In my mind, I've been 14 for years and will continue to be 14 for the years to come but now I'm turning 15.

I getting old -_-


Life has been pretty boring. Fell in love with Fukari. Bought a Wednesday Addams dress. Bought creepers. Realized that I'm the outsider in my family. Finally accepted the fact that my family is held together by the cheap duck-tape that is my parent's marriage.

 My father is a bastard to put it mildly. It turns out that my father has been fornicating up and down Nigeria from before the beginning of their marriage. When I younger, I couldn't understand why my dad would leave at 2:00 am in the morning and come back the following day. Truthfully, I didn't really care as long as he continued to buy me things. Even as i grew older and finally understood, I would still believe my dad's classic excuses of him going back to the office or going for a meeting and not question him. But recently i can't bear to look him in the eye. He disgusts me. He makes my soul cringe.

sigh....

Well this summer turned out to be a bust.

I was determined at the start to practice more of my writing, singing - i know now how much i suck- and other creative shit but everything has just failed.


First of all, I now accept the fact that i am terrible at singing. I always try to hard to make my voice sound a particular way but it's not going to work out. I have accepted the fact that others were blessed with the talent to sing and i was not.

Second of all. i now accept the fact that my writing and drawings are simply cheap imitations of what i hope i can produce but it seems you can't force something that wasn't meant to be.

Hey guys, This is how I look.
Don't worry, I normally smile. It's just that when i took this picture -thank God for timer!!!- i was in the whole 'wannabe model' mode.... So it came out like this.
I kind of like it :)

I promised - not really- you guys lots of photos so get ready to be amazed..... or bored. Anyone that comes first.
Summer has gone by so quickly! I don't really go out -sucks- so i haven't bought much but i am determined to make my transition from my mask of anti-social weird girl to my true Goth anti-social weird girl!!

-Sorry, ran out of adjectives-

I want dog collars, black slip dresses that reach my knee, dark makeup - this will require a covert mission- , more creepy ass jewellery, platforms...... I want to dress how i like and not be worried that my mother would go on one of her famous bitch rants about how I am 'too young for dark colours'

*Scoffs*
Anyway.

I got promoted to SS3 (year 12) which means starting September, I am screwed. No more music, no more sims, no more tumblr, no more blogging and definitely, no more stalking.

Sigh...

So this summer will most likely be our last chance at bonding. Let's make it count

me

Arrived in London

I was planning on buying my own camera but my mother wants me to save my money till i get to 1 million naira (currency in Nigeria) so i can spend the interest anyhow i like. She says i can buy it next year so i will just be using my brother's.

Might start posting pictures here so you can know me better!!!!!

(/^.^)/

21:03

I never knew it was humanely possible to despise and detest someone so much until i met this girl.

She is what society would brand as an cheap whore. She is rude, disgusting, a back-stabbing bitch and it seems opening her legs and begging are her only strong points. Usually i would not judge her for being a slut because i have no right to judge, but when she decided extended her claws to the boy i liked, she started war.

She never did anything with him but the idea of her thinking about doing such with the boy I like makes me hate her. I avoid using the word 'hate' because I feel it's too strong a word and I am exaggerating my feelings for the person but i can say with all confidence that my feelings for her is pure hatred. Her existence simply irritates my soul.

One of the things I have noticed is that she has no respect for anybody. Whether your a teacher, a parent, her friend, her classmate, her senior she will not respect you. Coming from a culture that holds respect extremely high, I look at her in confusion and pity. How can someone who comes from the same culture as i have such a blatant disregard for morals.

Don't even get me started on how much of a slut she is

I don't know whether she doesn't think about it before she does it or she does and doesn't care but i have never in my 14 years of life seen someone who is consciously immoral and still hold herself high. I know I sound like a super bitch and believe me, I don't judge girls by how many people they have slept with, how many nudes they have sent or how many hand jobs they have given; I don't and i never will but i look at her with disgust and loathing because i just want to walk up to her and slap her, scream at her to finally realize that all the boys she is messing around with see her as dirt and if she continues like this she won't get very far; yell at her to stop begging and disgracing her family because whenever I see her do these things I just wonder: Where were her parents when she was growing up? How can they let their child grow up like this? -Society expectations aside, if this girl was your daughter and you look at how she is behaving, won't you feel as if you failed? Won't you feel as if you weren't there when she needed to be disciplined or you didn't do enough to ensure she didn't turn out the way she has?




I write this because i am angry and irritated but nonetheless, I have no right to judge her. I don't know her family situation. I don't know what she has been through. All i know is that she should get her shit together

Father's Day

Well truth be told, my father and i don't really have a normal relationship.Normally families would at least have some sort of bond between  the father and the children (if they are any) but in my family it's different.

My father isn't exactly the caring-super-involved type of father. He is odd. He tries not to be the controlling traditional man but there are times when his resolve crumbles and his true image is revealed. To me, my father is simply a sponsor, a man who works hard to provide the essentials and more for my family  but that is the extent in which his show of affection goes. He isn't someone you can easily talk to about problems, he would rather scold and discourage you than show interest to your ideas and ambitions, he wants you to be the perfect African child but wants no part in actually raising you and only God can help you if you so much as try to pursue passions that deviate from the tradition .

I'm not the only one, all my other family members dislike my father for one reason or another but we all claim to love him. I avoid him because i feel it;s two-faced to act all friendly with him when i harbour such disgust. I will not say the reasons but there are alot.

I am also grateful for my dad, he gave me a home, is paying for my education, revealed his daughter from another woman( well he is the only one he told us about) and all other things

I just wish he was different

Dilemma

News update: i have a boyfriend

He has been my friend for about 2 years and he is weird, like totally fucking weird, and he is a pervert.

I don't mind cause I'm pervert too

Unlike my last relationship, we have lots in common like anime, shows, school subjects, manga, pervertedness etc and i truly enjoy talking to him but there are times when i look at him and think 'What the fuck is wrong with you?'

I anger him, he irritates me. It's the cycle that defines our relationship but we trust each other and i enjoy being in his company. I put it in God's hands and just hope that it will go end.

Another issue is the constant crave to just push him down and ride him. I mentioned I am pervert earlier right? well it's worse when I'm with him. We constantly tease each other and part of me wants to give in ( like half) but the other half ( the sensible one) is shouting 'YOU JUST STARTED DATING! CALM DOWN!!' so I'm in a dilemma  

From past experience I'm not going to jump into things and get sexual right away ( though i want to), i want to wait and get to know him more, his good and bad sides.

God help me

Bipolar days

i go from tired to extreme hyper crazy in like 5 minutes. Whenever im alone with my thoughts my moods change so easily, like i go from normal indifferent me to angry pissed off psychopath me cause i had a scenario where i killed all the people i didn't like or extremely cute crazy mode where im  loud and happy just cause i thought of something funny

I hate everyone around me

I hate alot of people but for this particular rant i will focus on my family

My family is messed up. My dad is a creep who probably has more than 3 mistresses, my mother is a sexist, tribalist and racist hypocrite, my sister ( one of them) is just the baby form of my mother but she seems to have her own level of irritating. My brother has recently discovered his long lost 'self-pride' and sometimes acts like an egotistical a-hole.

I would complain about my other sister, Oriade but i'm confused about her. For majority of my childhood she treated me like vermin but all of a sudden she's trying to act nice to me and it's weird. And uncomfortable. I know better than to trust her but im just conflicted.

Everyone around me is acting like a fucking twat and i just want to either kill them or myself

Sorry i haven't been posting. My mother seized my stuff

So a lot has been going on lately in my life. Well kind of


1.I have become more sexually frustrated and my scenarios are making it worse


2. I have been in this sort of 'friends with benefits' relationship with someone i know and it was going well - though we haven't done much- until my expectations of my perfect imaginary boyfriend started making my tolerance of him fade away. Now we are fighting and i think it'll be a while before we resolve it

3. I don't know whether or not it's a phase but everyone around me is so fucking irritating, like i can't even begin to explain how much i just want to snap at tell and make them realize how much of a twat they are

4.Doing my GCSE currently, a bit stressed since I'm not used to reading for so long and so much.

5. Made a resolution when i came back from Easter that i am going to stop being the weird anti-social one and  i will start interacting with people. Yeah, some asshole's will ignore me or be awkward around me but others are quite nice. I'm going to stop waiting for people to come talk to me and go out and explore the world

6. Not too sure about studying medicine. When i think about it's for so long and i have to read so much and i know i don't like reading so why would i choose a course i hate, waste 7 years of my life just to satisfy my parents. Doesn't make sense to me

There are more but im too lazy

Jal gayo

xxx

I want to cry
And i want to die

I want to wake up one morning and not have to pretend,
To look in the mirror and not hate what i see,
To eat and not feel disgusted with myself afterwards,
To be surrounded by people who won't push throw me away when i'm being difficult,
To look at pictures of myself and not breakdown,
I want to love myself for who i am.


But i can't,
My problems are petty and foolish compared to others
And all i do is complain,
I have no self control or discipline so all i can do is dream,
Dream that one day i will magically drop to a size 8
And have a gorgeous boyfriend who understands me and is weird as well.
Dream that by some miracle, all my anti-social issues are solved
And i won't feel alone anymore
Dream that i can finally be happy with life


But i won't
Because i also dream of death,
Dreams where i die horribly but at the same time painless,
Dreams where i disappear and no one notices,
Dreams where i have cancer,
Dreams where my organs are harvested,
Dreams where i get hit my a truck,
Dreams where i plunge a knife in my throat and choke on my own blood.

These are my dreams and lately it seems i have a better chance dying than ever being happy

Annyeonghaseyo

Hey, hope you guys are feeling better.
if you were ever feeling bad

Well i just wanted to inform you guys that my exam start today and i won't be done until next week Thursday so i might not appear on here.

Spiral into Darkness

Hello Everyone.
Sorry i have been for some days now. Was tired

Lately, i have become more sad. Okay, i am usually sad but before whenever i was in public, pretending to happy was quite easy and at times i even believed that i was genuinely happy but lately i don't even have the strength anymore.
I don't want to talk to people because i am jealous of their happiness, i don't want to talk about my problems because when i say them out loud they sound so petty and insignificant, I can't  kill myself because not only have  i have been trying to reconcile with God so killing myself makes all my effort to be in vain but when i look at things logically; the people i want to be with but can't because they hate me, trying to be more .... normal but it's too tiring, trying to live up to my society's expectations but soon realizing that they are rubbish aren't really major reasons to kill myself.
 I don't know whether it's because i have dreams to change and influence my society to free them from their ignorance and judgemental mindset or because i know that i am worth a lot more than my problems and i have the power to overcome them but every time i try to bring a blade to my skin, i can't move. I am unable to move the few inches to obtain the relief i have been dreaming about but i just can't do it. As an excuse, i would tell; myself that my brain is stopping my body from hurting itself in an obvious place. I have though of places like just around my knee - because i already have scars from injuries- because it would be easy to cover up if anyone noticed, on my ankle - because no one really notices it at first glance, and i wear socks everyday to school- etc but even if i aim for those places, i still can't do it.

I don't know what to do

14/3/14

Sorry i havent blogged anything for a while.

Basic update

Well so far i am happy, a bit stressed and tired but generally happy. Trying to keep my anger at bay and it seems to be working, i pray everyday for it to continue. Not much really happened, reading Beezlebub - though it finished *sob sob* -, basically reading manga and going on about my normal loner life

Guilt

Today was kind of okay, despite the fact that someone stole my money in school and i was surrounded by the usual ass holes.
Nothing really new to report, tried my best not be angry all the time. Kind of succeeded in that area. Oh yeah, i fucked up the night before

Like at the beginning of this year i made a promise to God as i was reconciling with him that i will turn away from my old sins - in particular, masturbation- in the past 3 months alone i have failed him twice already. The first time was due to imagination gone wild and the second time unfortunately was due to the revival of my sex drive when i reading Thorki fan fictions. Long story short i feel like crap.
I don't want to promise that  won't do something and then later on do the exact came thing and make some bullshit excuse. I don't want to be that person any more. I want to be someone better, someone more trustworthy

Someone with self-control

Jealousy

I hate her.

There is a girl in my school who left in year 10 but came back later in Year 12 and since she came she has stolen my close friend - at the time- away from me and taken up the space i filled in her life.

To me she is ugly. She is short and unattractive, she is not funny and makes corny American jokes whenever she has the chance. Her skinniness is to her disadvantage because she looks sick. Her face is covered with pimples, her nose disgusting and fat and her skin burnt black. I know all these are just outward faults but i can't risk getting to know her in fear of harming her.

And as if the cow couldn't make me feel even more inferior, she excels in all the aspects that i try hard at: writing, drawing, painting, singing.... she does it all and i feel like shit

She pisses me off. Whenever i see her, hear her name or feel her presence i become livid and become unable to socialise with anybody. To make things worse the so called ' close friend' that she stole from me acts as if nothing happened, as if she didn't just dump me for an insect and still tries to talk to me with the arm of her new friend draped on her shoulder.

I hate them both

I know i sound petty and immature and i am sure the insect is a perfectly nice person and i am being a bitch but that doesn't change the fact that she hurt my pride. It doesn't change the fact that someone i don't even acknowledge was able to rip away all i cared for. It doesn't change the fact that i want to cry whenever i see her.

05/03/2014

Happy new month everyone.

Nothing much to report, my life is pretty boring. Well apparently i have to pair up with my ex-boyfriend to supervise a class ( Year 1 Alpha) and i actually don't really care i just want to get the job done but that is kind of hard when your so called 'partner' can't even  make eye contact with you for more than 2 seconds not to talk of working together to get it done. To make matter worse, The head of administration....... i think -truthfully i don't know this woman's post- gave us until Friday to submit our observations of the class individually so basically if he won't cooperate then he is getting into trouble alone.

Truthfully i dislike majority of the people in my year but most of them are in my set. Certain people in my class are sexist, racist, obnoxious and just plain rude. They believe that their definition of the world is the only one that is correct and no matter how many times i try to make them see how ignorant and idiotic they are being they brush me off as 'having anger issues'. If you were surrounded by ignorant people everyday for good 6 years of your life, won't you be angry every fucking day? Won't you want to scream at them till they open their fucking eyes and hopefully change before they grow up to be blind to reality as their parents raised them to be? If you do then you understand my situation.

For example, i am from Nigeria and there is an anti-gay law that kind of recently got passed and ever since then, if a guy is talking privately with another guy then one idiot will now start shouting ' 14 years!' - which is the amount of jail time served by those caught being... well gay- and they do this over every little thing like if a guy compliments another guy, the guys usually say ' Guy stop being such a faggot. Don't touch me!' and walk away. This really pisses me off because so because he complimented you, you are insulting him by calling him a faggot and so fucking what if he is gay? is he trying to hit on you? is he forcing himself on you? No so please shut the fuck up before someone actually beats the fuck out of you dick heads.

For us girls it is not as bad, we are normally close so skin contact ( holding of hands, measuring each other's sizes, talking about private stuff and problems etc)is quite common but i feel bad when some of my friends might be a lesbian but is too scared to admit it or confide in me because she will think i will push her away or report her and that she being gay brings disgrace upon her family or some bullshit like that. I would never do that. Ever

Dear Potential reader,

Happy new month...... kinda

27/2/14

Earlier today I went to the hospital with my mother. For the past few months I have been really sick and if it continues I won't be able to have children, all because I am fat. Normally when I tell people i am not eating or i am too fat they ' You're not fat, you are curvy' or 'You are not, you are just big boned', if you are one of those people who say these stop, it doesn't make us feel better, it just makes us feel worse.
This is the second time i have being to the gynaecologist and he was saying the same thing back again: Stop eating unhealthy food and exercise. This is hard to obey because i come from a culture where majority - if not all- of the food we make and eat is either all carbohydrates or fats and oil , and since i can't cook it is hard for me to eat healthy since there are only  unhealthy things around me.

For the exercise, i am too lazy

Anyway, i started a new diet on Monday the i wont eat all the icky foods- eba, rice, pounded yam, etc.-  and it is going okay i think though because of it i can only once a day. I didn't tell the doctor this not because i didn't want to but because my mother was right next to me. My mother is the type of person  that will rather criticize you than encourage you, if i had mentioned it, my mother surely would have whispered - quite loudly- about how it was impossible or about how the diet will consist of junk food and it so fucking annoying. If i am thinking about starting something i want support not criticism but my mother is not used to people telling her to keep her opinions to herself because she is always sharing them with people who couldn't give two fucks. My mother recommended i join in on their fast but i refused because i didn't want to start my first fast under such reasons. Long story short, the doctor recommended birth control pills and exercise and we left

Unfortunately when we got home, my mother began insulting me saying i was an ill mannered idiot and i disgraced her in front of the doctor and that she was so close to slapping me in front of the doctor , i went to my room and cried but i guess tomorrow she will make me apologise - i hate apologising when i don't mean it- to her and forget about the whole thing

Sigh

Annyeonghaseyo

Hey
It would be silly to tell you my name
So feel free to call me Ingrid
.
My nationality is unknown,
Time has no affect on me
And but I am a simple wanderer 
Who is surrounded by ignorant narrow-minded people
So I am here to express the feelings I have to bottle up inside of me

Love,
TheFaceBehindTheMask